Family Fractures: When I’m Sorry and I Forgive Aren’t Enough

You guys enjoy your extra hour, two hours of sleep than the earlier service. I bet a little refreshed there. So again, thank you, Pastor Matt, Sher, for the invitation to be here. And again, this was kind of a first for us. We’re releasing, we just released a book. There’s going to be a few books left at the table. So the first service Thursday night, they took half of them. They were like buying five and ten. And I was like, “Oh, slow down, we need some for Sunday.” But what we did, if we run out of books, just so you know, we put together a little flyer. It’s got a QR code. It can take you to Amazon. We lowered the price on Amazon for you. And because we sold out and we don’t have books on the back side, you’re going to get free access to our Equipping Forgiveness course, which is 12 videos. It’s usually like a $75 value, and it has a free downloadable workbook. So if we run out, you win, because you’re going to get a bonus. So just pick up a flyer, and then you can go ahead and purchase it off of Amazon.

And again, all of the proceeds from donations, they go 100 percent to our Fight to Forgive ministry, to not just incarcerated but primarily those on death row. And you saw a little bit of Cedric’s story. He was one of the guys I had the privilege to walk through the last three months of his life leading up to his actual execution, and then bringing reconciliation with him and his mom.

And I can just tell you this, your Kingdom Builders ministry, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for your support of us, because for us to do what we do is not possible without you. I mean, everything that we’re seeing done, we’ve created a ministry channel that inmates around the country can access. Our channel is one of the top viewed in all of the prisons. We have over 320,000 subscribers to our channel. I could put a video right now of “welcome to Eagle Creek,” put it up in five minutes, have it on their tablets. They’re watching them on death row all around the country, in prisons, all within like 12 hours, there’ll be over 100,000 inmates that will have watched it, because they’ve been able to find content to help grow in their faith and how we’ve just encouraged them. And so you are part of that.

We’ve seen not only that, we’ve seen over 30,000 inmates come to Christ or rededicate their lives just on our channel. So you make that possible through your Kingdom Builders. We’ve seen just time and time again, it’s just amazing. I’m blown away by what, and now God’s beginning to expand our work into some other states and to some other areas. But it’s again, it’s because of you. It’s because of your faithfulness.

So it’s the stories of Cedric, and I think back to just watching the calls that I’ve had with moms about their kids that are on death row. I couldn’t have those phone calls without you. The trips that we take, a round trip of over 2,500 miles that we travel every month, my son and I, or my son and my family, my wife and daughter come and they lead worship on every section of death row during the summer. I couldn’t do that without you. It costs us about $5,000 per trip, because not only do we come and stay for a whole week, but we will put together a seminar, a spiritual formation program for that week. And then we got such great favor, the warden allows us to bring in food from the outside to death row inmates, which is the only time they will get outside food.

Last time, I’ll just, I think it was funny, I kind of went overboard on them. The warden didn’t really look at what I was bringing in. I just said, I’m bringing in a lunch, a main course, a side, and a dessert. So I fed every guy on death row, about 200 inmates. They all got a large three topping Domino’s pizza. And they got a big side of Philly cheese steak tater tots, and they got three lava cakes. And I was trying to sneak it through the warden with this cart full of just hundreds of boxes of this food. And they stopped me. “What’s all this?” I’m like, “For the guys.” So, but to be able to even do that, you don’t understand, that is one of the best ways we can minister to these guys that we’re working with.

I just yesterday, a man on death row in North Carolina, I do a weekly call with him, minister to him. And here he is, he’s a Muslim, and my goal is to just continue to minister to him, to witness to him, to lead him to faith, and I’m actually going to begin to visit him one on one down on North Carolina death row. So thank you again for all of your support. Your Kingdom Builders supports those trips. It supports those phone calls. You help me break rules, I just put it that way.

One of the things on death row, before we move on, is you’re not allowed to have physical contact with those men. So you saw the reason those pictures are blurry that you saw there is because no cameras are allowed on death row. But because I led one of the officers to the Lord, he sneaks them out for me. And so I’m able to get a couple of bad pictures. But I was able to, one of the guys, just a little less than a month ago, I was at his cell door when they came away to take him for his execution. And I remember, I mean, I was standing there, the guards cuffed him up, they’re taking him back. And I just was overwhelmed with emotion, because I’ve seen the transformation of this guy. This guy would pray. He would fast for other men on death row that they would come to faith. And he would ask other guys to fast with him for certain guys.

And as they took him out of his cell to march him away, I just looked at the officers and I just go, “I don’t care.” And I just ran up and just gave this big huge guy this big hug. And it’s the first hug he’s had in 22 years since being incarcerated on death row, because they have no human contact with any family members, with no one, except their officers that cuff him up and take him away. And so before he was led away, because of your support, he was able to receive that hug. And I just want to say thank you for allowing me to go and be part of their lives.

Family Fractures

The last months of Cedric’s life that you saw there, a little of our opening story there, showed me a lot about the depths of family fractures. And Cedric thankfully broke the silence that had existed between him and his mom, and it had been there for years, and he broke it two hours before his execution. And I was so proud of him when his mom called me and told me that not only did he call to finally apologize, but then he kept calling back as they would allow him, leading up to his execution. I was so proud of him, to see how in those moments there was a healing of a relationship.

And so I want to, before we go any further, how many here would just be honest today and say, I know when I ask this question, how many here have someone you need to forgive? Everyone’s hands would go up on that. But here’s my question. How many here would say there’s someone in your life, and maybe you have forgiven them, but there’s a fracture that remains between them in your relationship. It was once close, but now it’s become distant. There’s a gap between them, and there might have been forgiveness, there might have been apologies, but the relationship really has never been healed. And you, to be honest, there’s something inside of you that would say, I wish God would help me bring about healing to that relationship. How many have a relationship like that in your life? A lot of times it’s in your home. It could be with a family. Sometimes it’s with a mom, a dad, it could be a spouse.

Family fractures exist right in the homes of everyday life. Family fractures exist between husbands and wives and the caring for all the kids, and they’re going about, and there’s been things that have been said, things have been done, and there’s been forgiveness offered, apologies extended, but what happened is there’s something missing.

My Own Family Fracture

Well, Cedric’s story helped me to kind of begin to dive into this. It led me to, in my own family, a fracture that took place in 2002 between my father, actually it was between myself and my dad. And he died in 2002. My dad, when he passed away, was only 58 years, he’s only four years older than I am. And he had no long illness. There was no warning of his death. There was no last conversation with him. We had spent years apart, unable to close a gap between us, where distance and avoidance was followed up with silence. And that silence over the years became permanent.

But it wasn’t always that way with us. My dad growing up was my best friend. We would go every week to, we grew up in Rockford, Illinois. It was called the Rockford Speedway. We would watch these short track races, and it was our bond. We would go fishing trips all the time. My dad was just, it was like he was my hero. He was the hardest working man I had ever known. And for most of my life, my dad, he was my best friend.

But then something happened. I had to try to save his life. But instead of trying to save his life, what I ended up doing, ultimately, is I ended up hurting him. My dad was leaning on prescription painkillers to carry a pain he couldn’t manage anymore. It wasn’t just physical pain from the years of being an electrician, but it was also an emotional pain. That emotional pain stemmed from his early years growing up, being abused, physical, sexual, growing up had incredible hard, difficult childhood. But then in his marriage with my mom, eventually my mom couldn’t take it no longer, my mom left him. And in doing so, that began to create this coping that my father began to try to deal with. He couldn’t deal with the emotional pain that he was absorbing from my mom, this rejection, this abandonment. But it also stemmed from also, he never learned how to deal with it, because his father never had dealt with it.

So my family had to step in. My wife Sarah and our kids, they actually moved to Illinois for a month. They began to sit with him, to monitor his prescription drug use. And I began to, I had to do an intervention, and I had to sit him down. I had to give him ultimatums. I had to make decisions for him, a grown man. And in a sense, in telling him what he can do, what he can’t do, where he needs to go, and what he needs to be doing. And as I began to, in all my attempt to just save his life, I ended up deeply wounding him, as he basically felt like, here I was, his child, treating him like a child.

And so while medically the intervention worked, and my dad, he got off of the painkillers, and his last years of his life, they were, he was back to normal, he was back to sound mind, there was a healthiness to him again. But it cost us something that I couldn’t name. Our weekly calls turned into monthly calls. Our monthly calls, they became just, you know, on the holidays. Father’s Day coming up, happy Father’s Day, dad, a text. They became distant. It was just the birthdays. Our conversations, they would be very cordial. They were polite. They were very surfacy. They were quick. They were just to the point, oh, just checking in on you, move on. But there was no depth to our relationship. It was a hollow relationship.

And then he died. And it was there that I stood over a casket, an open casket, that I finally broke the silence that had existed between us for years. It was there that I said things like, “Dad, I’m so sorry I hurt you. Dad, I’m so sorry that you felt like I wasn’t supporting you, that I wasn’t behind you. Dad, I’m so sorry, I talked down to you. I love you, Dad.” It was there that I said everything that I could that I should have said over a table. I ended up having to say over an open casket. And it was there, standing beside that casket, that I finally, again, I broke that silence.

But it was shortly after that I learned the depth of that fracture between us that existed, that quite frankly I wasn’t aware of it being to that extent. And that was when my brother came to me and read and shared his will, his last words. And in his will it was explicitly stated that “I intentionally leave my son Kevin out of everything.” The fracture was deep. It was real. My brother was to get everything. I was disinherited. And it was in that moment I realized once again that, man, what happened? What happened?

The Missing Word Between Forgiveness and Reconciliation

And so from that story, and stories like Cedric, the stories that I’ve worked with and walked with people for many years now dealing with forgiveness, it began to put me on a pursuit, and I began to pursue some questions and trying to answer some questions. Not just now what I’ve talked about for the last 15 years since I’ve shared my story here. If you’re new, how many of you have never heard my testimony story before? Let me see your hands. So the background backdrop of my story was this. Pastor in Detroit in 2009, a man broke into my house, and when he came in, broke in that house, we ended up fighting. I ended up getting stabbed 37 times. Wasn’t supposed to survive. Wasn’t supposed to live.

And through that, ministry of how to forgive my attacker has now led to us not only being able to share and equip people and fighting to forgive these last 15, 16 years, but now even going to minister to the man who attacked me, behind bars.

But I began, recently, in the last year, because all I keep hearing about is people saying this. “I forgive them, but I don’t want nothing to do with them. I forgive them, but I’ll never trust them again. I forgive them.” And there’s this movement that has taken place and is very much real in the body of Christ where everyone says, “I need to forgive,” but no one is ever saying, “I want to reconcile.” And that has now become what is being taught to our next generation, quite frankly. And it’s broken my heart.

So I began asking questions like this. How do families who love each other end up divided and distant? How does a father and a son go from being best friends to strangers living close enough to call but never picking up the phone? How do years go by where the pain is still sitting there between two people unnamed, unaddressed, until one of them runs out of time? And how do close friends with a rich and meaningful history, even when both people love the Lord, go from worshiping and praying together in the house of the Lord, to now there’s no longer communication, and to the point where one of them will sometimes make the decision that, “I’m leaving this church because I don’t want to see them any longer.” And that is very common today.

And so I’ve spent more than 30 years walking with these families through this. And I’ve watched people say over and over again, “I’m sorry.” And they mean it. And I’ve watched people say, “I forgive you.” And they mean it too. But then I watched them walk away still carrying this weight and burden, that there’s nothing healed, nothing fixed, except they’ve done their part of saying, “I’m sorry” and “I forgive.”

And so I have been on a mission, because I want to see families in our church strengthened. I want to see relationships being reconciled, because God didn’t call us just to be forgivers. He’s called us to also have a ministry of reconciliation. We need to be pursuers of reconciling relationships. And I found and discovered that the missing piece between forgiveness and being reconciled with someone, or having a renewed relationship, even if it looked differently, but there’s no hostility, there’s been a healing, there’s been a coming together moment where they’re on the same page, that there’s this gap between forgiveness and reconciliation. And it’s defined by one word, and it is this word: repair.

We tell people you need to forgive and you need to be reconciled. But the problem is, unless you equip people how to repair a relationship, you’ll never get from forgiveness to being reconciled. And so the question becomes this: how do we begin to repair relationships? How do we build a table of repair that two people can come sit at and begin to have conversations, begin to be intentional about repairing their relationship through honesty, through consistency, through humility, through honoring one another? How do they build this table that could ultimately lead to an outcome of reconciliation?

The Story of Ahithophel

And so that’s where today I want to share with you a story in scripture that begins, we’ll pick it up in 2 Samuel chapter 16. It’s a story of a man named Ahithophel. And his story is in the middle of another story that many of us will be more familiar with, and that’s the story of King David and his son Absalom.

In 2 Samuel 16, Absalom, the son, is trying to steal the kingdom from his father, King David. He’s now got a gathering of all these people following him. He’s now on a mission to dethrone his dad and to now set up his own kingship over Israel. And it’s here where Ahithophel and Absalom are going to join and lock arms together.

And we’ll pick up in 2 Samuel 16:15. It says this: “Meanwhile, Absalom and all the army of Israel arrived at Jerusalem, accompanied by Ahithophel.” Then Absalom turned to Ahithophel and asked, “What should I do next?” Verses 21 through 23, Ahithophel tells him, “Go and sleep with your father’s concubines, for he has left them here to look after the palace. Then all Israel will know that you have insulted your father beyond hope of reconciliation.”

Let me pause there. Ahithophel gives the counsel to Absalom to sleep with King David’s concubines. And the reason why he’s telling him this is he wants to take an already existing fracture and make it wider, so that it’s beyond hope of reconciliation. Some of you know what that is, to be at a place where it feels like reconciliation is beyond hope. Well, Ahithophel was the one throwing gasoline on the fire, trying to widen this gap.

Let’s continue on. It says this, “And they will throw their support to you.” So they set up a tent on the palace roof where everyone could see it, and Absalom went in and had sex with his father’s concubines. And Absalom followed Ahithophel’s advice. So Absalom did exactly what Ahithophel counseled him to do. He now humiliates his father in front of everyone, so everyone can see. And now reconciliation between Absalom and his dad, it’s off the table.

But it doesn’t stop there. 2 Samuel 17 continues on, and it says this. Now, what Ahithophel urged Absalom, he comes up with the next step in his plan. “Let me choose 12,000 men to start out after David tonight, and I’ll catch up with him while he’s weary and discouraged. He and his troops will panic, and everyone will run away. Then I will kill only the king, and I’ll bring all the people back to you, Absalom, as a bride returns to her husband. After all, it’s only one man’s life that you seek. Then you will be at peace with all the people.” And this plan seemed good to Absalom and to all the elders of Israel.

So can you see the picture here? This man, Ahithophel, he’s got an axe to grind. He’s on a mission to destroy King David, not only his reputation, but destroy any possibility of reconciling with his son. And now on top of it, he literally is on a mission to kill the king.

And so when Absalom gets this plan that Ahithophel lays out, he goes, “Sounds good.” The elders said, “Thumbs up, go for it.” But before Ahithophel could set out with the men, Absalom, all of a sudden, because God was in play, Absalom gets second advice. Have you ever, you know, given, had some, you had an opinion, you listen, and then all of a sudden you want to get a second opinion on something? You know, that’s wise to get a second opinion sometimes. So Absalom goes, “Let me get some more different advice, let me get a second opinion.” He goes and he runs it by another counselor. But the counselor says this time, “Concerning Ahithophel’s advice, letting him go kill the king, don’t do it. He’s wrong.” And so now Absalom has to tell Ahithophel, “Listen, I know we said you could go kill my father, you can kill the king, but after further advice, we can’t let you do it.”

Now, let’s pause. How many here have ever given advice to someone and they didn’t follow it, right? How many of you, okay, parents, how many times have you given advice to your kids and they didn’t follow it? My son, a couple, last, I think two weeks ago or last, I told him, “Your tires are getting bald, you got to fix them.” Sure enough, he doesn’t fix them. Next thing you know, here’s the phone call. “Dad, I’m on the side of the highway, flat tire, in rush hour, and now I got to go fix it,” because he didn’t follow my advice. How many can relate to that? Moms and dads, say amen. Look at your kids, give them a stink eye. Well, that’s normal. You know, if they don’t follow your advice, you go, “Yep, lesson learned,” or “I told you so,” or, “They’ll have to learn the hard way,” or you just kind of shake your head.

But when Ahithophel found out his advice wasn’t taken, listen, look at his response. 2 Samuel 17:23, it says, “When Ahithophel realized that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey, went to his hometown, set his affairs in order, and he hanged himself. He died there and was buried in his family tomb.”

So in other words, when he couldn’t kill the king, he said, “Life is no longer worth living. I’m done.” And he gave up. He lost all hope for life, and he literally took his own.

So my question is this: why such an overreaction when someone doesn’t follow your advice? And when it’s advice to take someone’s life, why would you then take your own? What was the deal?

Who Was Ahithophel?

So let me just take you on a quick journey, and we’re going to go really quickly here. Let me just, because to understand this response, you have to understand who Ahithophel was. His name’s only mentioned a few times, but I’m going to go quickly through this.

Number one, Ahithophel at one time was David’s counselor. He was known as one of his chief royal counselors in 2 Samuel 15:12 and 1 Chronicles 27:33. Ahithophel was the king’s counselor. As a matter of fact, 16:23 says that his advice, the counsel, was treated as if God himself had spoken. So Ahithophel was a very wise man. His counsel was known. Ahithophel had a reputation throughout Israel. He was a wise man. He was someone who was sought after. His wisdom, his anointing, his gifting would shape decisions, affected nations, families, wars, peace. So if David was the heart of Israel’s leadership, Ahithophel at that time was the mind, the strategy, the counsel behind it. So he was once David’s chief counselor.

Ahithophel was once one of David’s closest friends. Psalm 55:12-14 just says this. David writes this psalm. He said, “It is not an enemy who taunts me, I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me, I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you, my equal, now get this, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God.”

So David and Ahithophel, they were once close companions, and they would go to church together, they would worship together. Why, and how do you go from going to the house of the Lord together to, “I want to kill you,” and when I can’t kill you, “I want to end my own life.” Something doesn’t add up.

Let’s keep going. The other thing you’ll hear about Ahithophel is just simply this, Ahithophel was a father. In 2 Samuel 23:34, he names his son Eliam, the son of Ahithophel. Ahithophel had a son named Eliam, and he was one of David’s mighty men. So Ahithophel’s son would be one who would put his life at risk for the king. He would go in the front lines. He would follow David’s orders, and he would risk his life. And then his family, Eliam’s family, would also, they were connected to that, and they would watch their father just do stuff and serve the king as one of his mighty men. So he was one of the strongest, most valiant warriors when things got into dire straits. Ahithophel’s son, Eliam, was the one that was sent out. And so Ahithophel would watch his son put his own life at risk for David. He was a father.

Lastly, what we learn about Ahithophel is this, he was a grandpa. How many grandparents out there today? Let me see your hands. All right, let’s be honest, especially if your kids are by you, you can tell, be honest. How many know your kids are okay, but your grandkids are impeccable? They are top notch. They can do no wrong, or if they do wrong, you’re, they’re quickly, it’s okay, we get past it really quick. You know, grandkids, they’re special. You know, the kids, you’re just kind of like, well, on one hand, I hope they, they put you through what you put me through, but when they’re with me, I don’t, they’re perfect. You know, it’s like, but you know, it’s something about being a grandparent, isn’t it? There really is.

Well, Ahithophel, he was a grandpa. He was a papa. And his granddaughter, which this would be Eliam’s daughter, so it wasn’t even just a grand, it was a granddaughter. Oh my goodness, has grandpa wrapped around his finger. My wife always gives me a hard time how Caitlyn, she goes, “Caitlyn just, she’s got you wrapped around.” So, you know, I can just see a granddaughter with grandpa just really working the magic.

And so here it is. So Eliam had a granddaughter, but here’s her name. Her name was Bathsheba.

The Betrayal

So let’s put together this plan, because in 2 Samuel 11:3-4, we know that David and this Bathsheba incident took place, and it said there, it says David sent word and inquired about this woman that he saw on this roof, and then they returned and they said, “Isn’t this not Bathsheba?” Now listen, they tell David, “The daughter of Eliam, one of your mighty men, the wife of Uriah the Hittite,” another one of your mighty men, out fighting in the front lines of the battle. Which instantly David’s going to know, she’s the granddaughter of my chief counselor, Ahithophel.

And so what David did in that moment, David sent messengers. And the Bible says this, he took her. He didn’t commit adultery with her, he took her. He sent someone to go get her. They took her, they brought her, they slept together. She later finds she’s pregnant. She just comes back, “I’m with child.” She goes back. Even the study of the word “took,” it’s associated with just taking objects.

And so can you see now, a little bit of Ahithophel, his leader, his pastor, the king, betrayed him, took his granddaughter, murdered her husband trying to cover it up. And then now what exists is when you get from Bathsheba and David, in Ahithophel, Bathsheba and David, to now, Ahithophel ending his life, 15 years has eclipsed. In 15 years, Ahithophel continued serving, continued being used, continued using his gifts, continued performing, but all the while, inside, something was very much alive, and a fracture was just widening, to the point that we read the end of his story. That is what took place, 15 years.

So how does that happen? See, it was only three years with me and my father. But you know what would have happened if David went to Ahithophel and said, “Man, I’m so sorry, I messed up,” and began, in humility, to begin to rebuild trust, and say, “What do I need to do?” And they had a conversation at a table. But David never, there’s no record of it, David never came. And Ahithophel, what if Ahithophel would have been honest and went to David and said, “David, how dare you do, look at what you did to me and my family.” But for 15 years, silence, avoidance, a fracture took place, and everyone just pretended like nothing happened, and they tried to just be normal, while I’m sure everything was far from normal.

How to Build a Table of Repair

So let me just wrap up here, in the last few minutes here. And I want to give you, for me, how to begin to repair a table. Because this is something that Ahithophel didn’t know, and David didn’t know. This is what I didn’t know with my own father. How to repair a table when something’s fractured.

Some of you have said there’s a gap between a relationship between me and someone, and we’re not reconciled and we don’t have a relationship. And part of it is this, because no one knows how to repair the relationship. And you might have said, “I’m sorry and I forgive you,” but that’s not enough. There has to be repair to ultimately lead to the destination of reconciliation.

But quickly, let me just give you three practical things that you can do. So how many again would say this, there’s a relationship in your life that’s fractured, that if God could do something, you would pray that God would somehow begin to renew that relationship in some form. Let me see your hand real quick again, because I’m talking to you today. Okay, all right.

1. Go First

How can you begin to repair, build a table of repair? Number one, it’s real simple. Go first. Go first. It’s Matthew 5:23. It says this, “Therefore, if you’re offering your gift at the altar,” in other words, you’re having church, you’re worshiping, you’re praying, “and you remember that your brother or sister has something against you,” in other words, there’s a fracture, it says this, “leave your gift there in front of the altar first. Go.” Everyone say, “Go.” “Go and be reconciled to them, then come and offer your gift.”

Think about the importance of this passage. God says this, it’s the only place in the Bible that God says this. Quit having church, going through the motions, when you have a relationship that’s fractured and you know you have some part to play in it. It says this, you know, so all of us that raised hands up, you know what we should have been doing? We should have just said, “Pastor Matt, I can’t be here today, I have to go first, fix this relationship, then I’ll come back, and hopefully I can make it back for worship, but if not, I’ll be here back next week.” That’s what God says. It’s the only place he says, “Quit playing church, quit having church more.” You know, he seeks after those who will worship him in spirit and truth. And he says, “You know what, I would rather you, instead of you worshiping me, I’d rather you go fix a relationship.”

And you say, “Well, what do I do if someone hurt me?” Well, the Bible says in Matthew 18, it says, “If your brother sins or sister sins, go.” Everyone say, “Go.” “Go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you’ve won them over.” Won them over, that’s reconciliation.

So it says this, no matter who you are, whether you hurt someone else and you’re aware of it, like I should have been aware of what I did to my dad, it was my responsibility to go first. Or when my dad did something to me and he said things about me, I should have still went first to him and said, “Dad, it hurt me when you did this.” The responsibility for the believer is always this: go first. Don’t just say, “I forgive.” Don’t just say, “I’m sorry.” Go to them, bring them to a table, and begin to take the steps of repair that can lead to reconciliation.

2. Be Honest

So you go first. The second thing you do is this: you be honest. You be honest. You stop pretending. You stop performing. You stop sweeping things under the rug. Ahithophel did it for 15 years.

Matthew 15:15 says, “Go, and then point out their fault just between the two of them. If they listen, you’ve won them over.” In other words, when you go to them, you got to be honest with them. This is what you did that hurt me. Or you be honest with them, and you confess to them, “I am sorry, because I see how I hurt you. What do I need to do to rebuild our trust? What do I need to do to begin to heal us? Because I don’t want this distance between us.” You have to be honest.

And let me point out this again, the magnitude that the scripture, the weight God puts on this action. You know, how many of you have heard the verse where “two or three are gathered in my name, there I am in the midst”? A lot of times we use that verse when no one shows up for church or a prayer meeting, and we just go, “Well, there’s just two of us here, so praise God.” Well, “because two or three are gathered, thank you God that you’re with us right now.” That’s not what that verse is talking about. That verse is talking about when someone goes to someone else and shows them, and reconciliation’s taking place. When two people sit at a table, God says, “I’m going to join them, and I’m going to be present in the midst of them.” When that’s taking place, it’s not when just two people show up for church, it’s when two people show up to break the silence and have a real conversation to repair what’s been broken.

3. Walk in Love

And lastly, I put it this, you have to walk in love. It’s a walk. See, forgiveness opens the door. Reconciliation is the destination. But between forgiveness and reconciliation, that’s a process and a journey, it’s a walk. And so for you and I, it’s a walk, but it’s a walk in love. Notice I did say this, I didn’t say love him, I said walk in love. Because a lot of us hide behind love. “Well, love is just telling them the truth.” Yeah, but is that kind of love walking in love?

See, walking in love can be this. It’s being kind and compassionate to one another. It’s walking in love is, it’s covering a multitude of sin. Love covers, it doesn’t expose. Love keeps no record, it stops rereading the file. Love believes the best, it stops assuming the worst motives. Love endures, that stays at the table when staying can be tough, and it’s really tempting to walk away.

The Cost of Silence

And so at the end of a story, Ahithophel’s story, silence determined the outcome. Avoidance determined the outcome. Just trying to move forward, sweeping things under the rug, led to the outcome. In my story, silence led to the outcome of my father standing over a casket with regrets of what if I would have just went to him first and said, “Dad, I’m sorry I hurt you. Tell me how I hurt you. How do I make that right?”

If I would have taken and known that there’s a pathway, there’s a model of how you can build a table, because my dad never got it to teach me. And so I began duplicating the very thing my dad taught me. Just be silent, just avoid the problems. But thankfully, ministering to a bunch of guys on death row reminded me that there’s something called repair. It’s the missing piece in the body of Christ.

We want miracles. We want things suddenly. But repair takes place slowly. Why? Because it starts with going first, naming the hurt. But the second part is really tough. It’s staying at the table long enough to rebuild trust. And then after trust, when that trust fails, to keep staying and returning to the table after failure. But if you can learn to build the table, here’s the great thing: you’re modeling for this next generation that forgiveness with repair ultimately leads to God’s will. And that is this: that men would be reconciled not only with him, but with each other.

What Relationship Needs to Be Repaired Today?

So let me just close your eyes. Let me, the last question is just simply this: what relationship needs to be repaired today?

Some of you, it’s a relationship with your father, your heavenly father, because you know what happened through the cross, like what Pastor Matt said when we did communion, God built a beautiful table. While forgiveness just takes one, reconciliation always takes two. He gives you an invitation. He pursues you. God’s pursuing some of you today. And he’s inviting you to a table, not of just forgiveness, but a table of repair.

Because how many know sin fractures our relationship with God? And when we can come, and he can show us our sin, and we can be honest and confess, our faith, “God, I’ve tried to do it in my own strength. God, I’m coping. God, I need healing.” Here’s what happens through honesty, God begins to bring healing. God, Jesus didn’t die on the cross just for your forgiveness of sins. He died so that we could be reconciled in right relationship with the father.

So some of you, that’s the reality. You know God’s forgiveness, but there’s a gap between you and him. And it’s because you’re still doing it in your own strength. You’re doing it in your own will. You’re doing it in your own way. You’re performing, you’re showing up for even for church. But the relationship’s fractured between you and your father. And today God says, “Let’s be honest. Come home today. Come to the table.”

If that’s you, with everyone’s head bowed, eyes closed, if you would say, “I just feel the father is inviting me back to the table because my relationship with him, it’s strange, it’s fractured. And there is repair work that needs to happen between me and him.” And that is just this. It’s not about performing. It’s not about being holy and following a bunch of rules. It’s about confession. It’s about walking in humility. And it’s about just being faithful.

And the greatest thing about God is this: when we’re faithless, he’s faithful. He doesn’t leave the table. If you’re here today and say, “That’s me, I need to return to the faith at the table.” The relationship that’s most important right now is this: “I’m away from God, and I need to come to the table. I need to renew that relationship with him.” If that’s you, on the count of three, would you put your hand up? One, two, three. Put it up real quick if that’s you. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Anyone else? Yep, I’m looking, keep your hand up real big, I want to see it. Yep, yep, yep. Thank you. Thank you.

Secondly, closing is this. There’s someone that God wants you to invite to a table of repair. I don’t know what’s happened. I don’t know how much time’s gone by. It doesn’t matter. It’s not too late. They’re still alive.

But you would say this, “I feel that the Holy Spirit is nudging me to begin praying and seeking him about going first.” But there’s a relationship that needs to be repaired. If that’s you, on a count of three, there’s a name, a face, there’s someone, on the count of three, lift your hand up. One, two, three, lift up real quick. Okay, there’s hands up all over.

I want to pray for you, that God would give you the courage and the ability to do this, to go first, to not stall, to not delay, but to begin to give you the wisdom on how to approach those people, so you can go beyond forgiveness and saying, “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you,” but can begin to say, “Okay, how do we begin to heal this relationship through repair?”

Would you all stand to your feet with me real quick? I want to pray over you, and then Pastor Matt’s going to be coming. Thank you for your patience. You guys are such an amazing church, we love you. And again, if we run out of books, I encourage you to get a copy, because it has half of it storytelling, it’s creative, it’s going through the stories, but then the other half, it’s equipping you to build your own table. The four movements, the legs that are needed to build a table that can stand the test.

But if you raise your hand, would you just hold your hands out like open up, like you’re going to receive a gift right now? Would you just pray this prayer with me? Say,

Jesus, thank you for building a table for me. I hear you calling to me today, to come home, to come to the table. I repent of my sins, and I follow you with all my heart. Thank you for your forgiveness. But more importantly, thank you for being faithful when I’m unfaithful. Thank you for being trustworthy when I have broken trust. Thank you for never leaving me or giving up on me when I fail. You are the example. Help me now to become a table builder. Help me now to begin to walk in the ministry of reconciliation with those you’re calling me to. Provide an opportunity to go first. Give me an opportunity to be honest. I pray in Jesus’ name, guide me through the process of reconciliation. Amen.

God bless you. Amen.